The Freelance Birthday Bash

It's a busy week in the world of freelance writing. Yesterday Allison Landa celebrated a birthday, in just over a week, Katharine Swan will add another candle to her cake, and tomorrow, yours truly will say Hallelujah that she still looks nowhere near the age she will be reaching.

Today marks another milestone anniversary. Fifty years ago this very day, Stunk and White's Elements of Style was born. It seems not everyone is rejoicing over this particular birthday, however. (See 50 Years of Stupid Grammar Advice.)

Although I do own a copy of the book, I never used it in school. Therefore, I'd venture this claim is untrue: "Despite the post-1957 explosion of theoretical linguistics, Elements settled in as the primary vehicle through which grammar was taught to college students and presented to the general public, and the subject was stuck in the doldrums for the rest of the 20th century."

Regardless, as one of my most beloved authors, I'll be toasting White (and tossing in Strunk for good measure) as I go about my day today.

The Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Request for the Week of April 13, 2009

You all know I'm an equal opportunity Screw You-er here, but this type of project particularly ticks me off. That's because I have a background in finance and believe that the education and experience I've acquired demand greater pay, not less. I believe the same of any specialized skill set anyone else may possess.

Project Description: Writer with background in finance
Specific Project Request: "Looking for a competent freelance writer who has experience in the financial industry. The topics for the articles will be mainly about financial institutes like American Institute of Certified Public Accountants, The American College etc. Having a financial designation is highly recommended. Although the bulk of the information will be obtained from the websites of the institutes, we also require additional internet research.

Requirements in short:
Excellent English (preferably native speaker)
Experience in finance (preferably a designation)
Ability to work independently
Well structured articles (broken down into paragraphs, include tables or charts, 400-500 words, no grammar or factual mistakes, cited sources and well though through content)

We also look for enthusiasm and interest in finance.

When applying for this project opening please explain your experience in finance and include examples of the work you have done. Posting a generic application or irrelevant examples will get you automatically rejected.

The price per article is $5 including all fees. We have planned at least 35 articles within the next 3-4 weeks and given that you will provide high quality content, also futher opportunities to participate in blog writing and additional article writing.

Be ready to write 2 test articles to demonstrate the quality of your work."

Let's do a little bottom-up run-down on this one.

1. Two free samples: NO
2. Further opportunities to participate in other writing: NO
3. $175 to write 35 article: NO, NO
4. Possession of a financial designation (for the aforementioned rates): HELL NO

Uh, yeah, I'd say this one is a genuine Middle Finger Award earner.

Spreading My Freelance Tailfeathers

I'm not one to typically brag, but I've noticed a trend concerning this blog that particularly pleases me. Every time I reveal (or plan to reveal) a deadbeat's name here, I witness a huge upswing in Google searches on my name (which isn't a common one that can be explained away by coincidence) that lead straight to here. And in almost all cases, I can trace back those searches to a location that matches the deadbeat's. How ironic, eh?

Case in point, over the last week or so, a certain someone (I wonder who?) from the U.K. has paid multiple visits to Screw You! following a Google search on "Kathy Kehrli." The fact that my reputation here almost always results in payment in full is just icing on the cake. My real satisfaction comes from knowing that I breed such paranoia in my deadbeat clients that they devote a good chunk of their day to keeping tabs on me.

Kathy Kehrli, Proud as a Peacock (or technically speaking, a Peahen)

The Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Request for the Week of April 6, 2009

I'm a day late this week, but better late than never, right? This week's Middle Finger Award winner earns distinction for its crappy pay rates despite being a longstanding, reputable publication.

Project Description: New series sponsored by Guideposts: The Incredible Power of Prayer

Specific Project Request: This will be a series of 12 books. Now accepting submissions for the first three: Praying from the Heart,The Healing Touch, & Expecting Miracles.

Submission deadline: June 15,2009 (for these three books)
Payment: $25 for stories under 1000 words;$50 for stories 1000-2000(max)

For more information or to submit stories, email Jeanette Littleton at IncrediblePrayers@ earthlink. net.

You may email her with questions or ask her to put you on notification list for future work.


It's kind of sad because this is the type of anthology I'd actually like to write for if it paid anywhere near professional writing rates. Or maybe writers are just supposed to accept payment in the form of prayers? I'm not a fan of anthologies across the board, and this ad illuminates precisely why I'm not.

A Change of Heart ...

... not by me, mind you. Once I set my mind on something, I never look back. However, my deadbeat client has decided to pay me at the very last hour. She has also decided to fax me the signed agreement and then let me destroy documents as outlined therein. Isn't that so kind of her? I mean really, she received the work for which she is paying on December 15, 2008 and it's now April 3, 2009. Oh, but the money she owed me is nothing to her and she's had it sitting in her bank account all along. Yeah, right. Screw her, screw that, thanks be to God I'm done with her. Now I have to hurry off to my PayPal account and transfer the funds ASAP before she changes her mind.

Toot-a-loo.

A Severe Lack of Clarity

This was an actual headline in my local paper this week: "8.6% of region unemployed, most since 1994." Now, I know what the writer is trying to say, but am I the only one who thinks these 8.6% individual members of the local population have been unemployed for 15 years?!

Update On D is for Deadbeat

Well, it looks like you all and Angela Hoy's 100,000 subscribers will be seeing my deadbeat's name in 48 hours after all. Why? Because the client wants me to destroy the work I completed for her plus all email correspondence that transpired between us BEFORE she will pay me. HA! She must mistake me for the fool that she is. She can't really think that I'm going to leave behind no proof that I actually completed the work for which I am seeking payment, can she? Moreover, she must be disillusioned if she thinks I'll snuff out all traces of our dispute, in which she asked me to perform actions that actually take away my constitutional rights, mustn't she?

She thinks, because she lives in England, that my constitutional rights don't apply. I beg to differ. I NEVER give up my legal rights or ANYONE. Nope, the couple hundred dollars she owes me are not worth anything near that. And the couple hundred dollars she owes me are a drop in the bucket to what disclosure to this dispute will cost her down the road. And should she decide to pursue the matter in court? Well, that's going to cost her THOUSANDS of dollars, especially since she'll have to go across the pond to get to me. Not a real smart tradeoff if you ask me, but so be it. Until the day I die, principle will matter more to me than cash.

Let the Creative Writing Games Begin

I love April, and not just because it's the month I was born in. It's also a creative writer's dream. I'm planning to participate in both the Poetic Asides Poem a Day challenge and Script Frenzy. Is anyone else taking part in either of these writing challenges? What are your favorite writing-related competitions?