Freelancers' Wise A$$ Guide to Web Writing

Reader Sam sent me a link to What Are the Best Practices for Web Writing?, which is so cleverly written, I couldn't resist sharing it with my readers. It just oozes with the sarcasm I adore here at Screw You!

The Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Request for the Week of June 28, 2010

Project Description: writers/researchers for web company wanted (web-based/NY area)

Specific Project Request: TO ALL THE BRILLIANT UNDER-APPRECIATED CREATIVES AND SCRIBBLERS:

We are a web-based business looking to build out our website
We need 1-3 writers/researchers to help us:
1) interview a select number (5-10) of successful professionals (you will NOT need to cold call; only to conduct interview) AND
2) turn these interviews into 'ghostwritten' Q&A autobiographical booklets (30-50 pages) based on these professionals and their experiences

THIS IS NOT A SCAM AND IS NOT B.S. ......... WE ARE A REGISTERED WEBSITE AND JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP

What's in it for you?? First of all--THIS IS AN UNPAID POSITION.......BUT we are considering various ways of compensating our writers/researchers. The most likely payment would be fee-based (i.e. $200 per interview/booklet completed). For now however, this remains an UNPAID position. Although your booklet will be ghostwritten for commercial purposes, we will provide references for you and acknowledge to any future employers, committees, or schools that you are in fact the author of the material.

Who we are looking for:
We need people with GREAT interpersonal skills (you will be conducting phone-based interviews), and EXCELLENT expository/business writing skills. We want writing that is concise, clear, engaging, simple, yet exciting (we know you can write, but please save the 'de profundis' and 'cri de coeur' for better outlets).

Students/recent grads OKAY! Use this experience to build your resume! This is FLEXIBLE web-based work; but we will need you to complete your work within 3-6 months from start date.

We will treat you fairly and be respectful of your work.
If this opportunity interests you, please respond to this ad between 6/10/10 and 7/10/10. Please include short (paragraph or two max) bio of who you are, and PLEASE INCLUDE RECENT WRITING SAMPLE--must be non-fiction, preferably business/technical/expository-related. If you don't have one, that is okay, make us a mock-up!

We look forward to hearing from you.
Your friends at
IWBA co.

(no, not that IWBA)

Having spotlighted Middle Finger Award winners for over three years now, it takes a lot to faze me. Consider me fazed.

So the ad opens with "TO ALL THE BRILLIANT UNDER-APPRECIATED CREATIVES," appealing to our desire to be paid what we're worth. Then halfway through, it tosses in the punchline, "Oh yeah, we're not going to pay you either." And if you believe that any of the "various ways of compensating our writers/researchers" will ever actually materialize ... well, I've got some mighty pretty fool's gold to sell you at gold's current price.

And please: "THIS IS NOT A SCAM AND IS NOT B.S." I beg to differ. Screw You!

Not So High Freelancing Fives

So I ran across a site called Fiverr the other day and instinctively wanted to gag. The premise: Fiverr is a place for people to share things they're willing to do for $5. And against my better judgment, I clicked through to the writing category, where I literally couldn't believe my eyes. Seriously, there's not a whole lot $5 would get me out of bed to do, but this is Screw You! ridiculous.

1. I will write your personal, business, event or product-related press release for $5 (No, I won't, but apparently someone will.)

2. I will proofread your writing up to 6,000 words. for $5 (That's $0.000833 per word, or a little over 8/100 of a cent per word.)

3. I will create or edit a resume or cover letter for you for $5 (I wonder how many of the individuals taking advantage of this one will actually land a job?)

4. I will write a one page story or poem for you, complete with illustration. for $5 (Because writing the darn thing isn't next-to-free enough. Gotta toss in the illustrating as well.)

And this is just a very small sampling of all the site has to offer. There are 125 pages of offerings in the Writing category alone. Seriously, I never thought the day would come that I would say it, but this idea almost makes the content mills look good. It's a sad Screw You! day and even sadder? I'm sure it's not long before Onerr opens up shop.

The Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Request for the Week of June 21, 2010

I've got a unique Middle Finger Award winner for you this week.

Project Description: Copyeditor with technical skills

Specific Project Request: I need a copy-editor to review web content. This job requires a person who can edit the content for a reasonable price, and who can also get the job done before June 25th. As the copyeditor, your job includes:

• Making sure the content is correct in terms of spelling and grammar and is easy to read
• Alert content provider of any legal problems or damaging errors
• Make sure the content is complete, and consistent

Requirements:
• Bachelor degree in English or Journalism
• A strong command of the English language, along with sharp spelling skills
• Computer skills are a must (Microsoft Word)
• Ability to edit the content using tools such as the New Comments feature in Microsoft Word or Markup in Adobe Acrobat Professional
• Familiar with the format of a website

Please e-mail a copy of your resume, proof of college degree, a writing sample, and photo ID to the link above. In your e-mail, please include estimation for this project.


This actually looked like a viable opportunity until I got to the part about "please send a copy of your photo ID." Umm, excuse me for asking the obvious, but so you can compare the photo to what exactly, seeing as how people are applying for the position online? That may be worse than asking for a social security number prior to actually hiring someone. I don't even want to know what use all those photo IDs will be serving. Screw that!

A Screw You! First: Request from a Middle Finger Award Winner

I bet some of you think I get a lot of hate mail, but to be honest I don't. Sure, I engage in a good amount of spitfire with the very limited number of clients I have to out here, but I don't think I've ever had a Middle Finger Award winner contact me over the years ... until now. And interestingly enough, he approached me in a very amenable way.

Therefore, I have agreed to extend him a bit more favorable coverage this time around. On December 7, 2007, I featured a project for e-commerce content that would "remind people to breathe." Silly, right? Cheesy? Yes, but cheesy, as it turns out, in not such a bad way after all.

In the 2.5 years since I poked fun at that ad, I've highlighted projects that have been FAR more deserving of the honor. Hence, I would like my readers to take a second look at The Dolly Lammy, which, don't get me wrong, is still cheesy, but in the cutest possible way.

And no, I received no kickbacks for this post.

The Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Request for the Week of June 14, 2010

This week's Middle Finger Award winner comes courtesy of Katherine Swan.

Project Description: History buff?

Specific Project Request: I have developed a website that focuses on history. I need writers to help me write e-books (i.e. a 3-4 detailed essay) about various people and events in history. If interested, please contact me through Craigslist.org and I will get back to you who or what I need writing about.
You will get paid a one time payment for your work if accepted. Each essay will pay $5-10 depending on the level of depth and accuracy.

I will check for plagiarism, so make sure that if you end up writing for me that your work is original. I will also reserve the right to use these essays in e-book format with re-sell rights.

Contact me now for subject matter. (So far I need help with essays about, Benjamin Franklin, Leonard da Vinci, Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, Jesus Christ, Archimedes and many many more.)

This job posting reads like your typical content mill fare until the very end. Then, out of the blue, the poster ads that the crappy rates aren't just a one-time deal, at least for him or her anyway. Rest assured, you will get paid one measly time. S/he, on the other hand, will be able to resell your articles over and over again. And of course, you'll jump at the opportunity, because after all, you're a "history buff" and you would perform this job free of charge. Heck, you might even pay the poster just for the pleasure of it all.

Screw you, cheapskate reseller. I suspect Abraham Lincoln, Jesus Christ, and (even though a $5 article saved is a $5 article earned) Benjamin Franklin would back me up on this one.

Low-Balling--It's Not Just for Freelancers Anymore

As a freelancer, I deal with low-ball job offers on at least a weekly basis. I've come to believe this widespread problem is just part and parcel of being self-employed. Come to find out, I've got some unexpected company in the form of full-blown employees.

This week, MarketWatch published the article Low-Ball Salary Offers: Should You Take it or Leave it? wherein the trend of employers making job offers that are anywhere from 15 to 25 percent below what the same jobs paid prior to the recession.

And guess what? There's another surprising parallel with freelancers: all the individuals who are jumping at the opportunity to earn these lesser amounts. Sound familiar, anyone?

So let me answer the question posed of the article's title. Leave it! (Grammar police note: The title should read Take Them or Leave Them?) Follow the author's advice about "room for negotiation." If there is none, a big Screw You! is in order. Once these employers realize that they're having to fill the positions with poorly qualified candidates, they'll have to come around ... just like the penny-pinching "writer" hirers who have to seek out a real writer to fix the bargain they thought they were getting.

The Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Request for the Week of June 7, 2010

This week's Middle Finger Award winner was forwarded to me by an acquaintance of someone who did not know how to get in touch with me. That person referred to me as the "Screw You! Chick." I'm not sure whether to be flattered or offended by that moniker, but it does have an interesting ring to it. And interestingly enough, I spotted this project as an award contender almost simultaneously with the email arriving.

Project Description:Help Needed Today

Note the urgency of the request. That typically means rush fees will be offered, right?

Specific Project Request: Hi there - Today I need help with 150 word business profiles. You will be paid $4
per profile - $40 per 10 - all the info is on the business' website.

Payment is net 30 - when I get paid. :-)

Note that not only is there no rush fee included in the offer, but the pay rate actually coincides with a snail's pace turnaround (and a dead snail at that). Moreover, doesn't logic dictate that if help is needed "today," then compensation is also required today? Obviously not. And Screw You! for that sarcastic smiley face. I've heard the "you get paid when I get paid" spiel enough times to know that it usually means "you won't get paid at all without one heck of a fight on your hands."

A Spoonful of Professional Copywriting Helps the Success Abound

Inc. magazine recently posed this question: Why Is Business Writing So Awful? The article opens with a collection of overused phrases and contends that all business writing has started to sound like.

The author, Jason Fried, then goes on to offer businesses this very sound advice: "If you care about your product, you should care just as much about how you describe it." And he adds this gem: "...snappy design might catch their attention, but it's the words that make the real connection. Your company's story, product descriptions, history, personality -- these are the things that go to battle for you every day. Your words are your frontline."

Although Fried does offer some great examples of what a good copywriter can do for businesses, he doesn't actually provide a whole lot of answers to the question posed in the title. He does point to keyword stuffing, but he overlooks a whole bunch of the other Screw You! strategies that run rampant these days, like article spinning (I've been meaning to blog about how many ads I'm starting to see asking for an "article spinner") and the fact that when you pay crappy pennies per word, you tend to get crap.

He does earn kudos, however, for making this recommendation to business owners who want to stand out above their competition: "...hire a writer. But make sure that writer truly understands your business. Remember: It's not about telling a story. It's about telling a true story well."

To that I would add, '... and be willing to pay what that well-told story is really worth.'